Born To Race

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Minimum
Vintage: 2011
Country: USA
Director: Alex Ranarivelo
Cast:  Joseph Cross, John Pyper-Ferguson, Brando Eaton

Right… So instead of a post per week that was my initial goal, I’ve barely managed to push one out each month. Not happy. Alas, there’s a thing called life that likes to fuck up my schedule and I’m sure most of you face similar problems as well. To make up for this, I got a fun to watch movie for you today. BORN TO RACE, is a straight forward movie and just a few seconds in, you know all there’s to know about how things are going to go. Just by watching the intro, you can safely assume there will be no surprises till the end credits, which is good sometimes. See, in other movies, you might have a pretty interesting start with a shitty ending (rarely the opposite), but not here. It’s your typical FAST AND FURIOUS meets KARATE KID meets NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE kind of film and I think you should appreciate that. Confused? Let me explain.

Has anybody told you that you look like Doogie Howser?

Joseph Cross plays the role of Danny Krueger, a typical high school student who drives a heavily modified (and ridiculously expensive might I add) car and takes part in illegal street races. You know the type right? I mean my school was full of these guys. Anyway, he seems to be doing pretty good and at some point attracts the interest of ESX Motosports (this is a real company, founded by Ali Afshar by the way)and his future seems so bright, until he smashes the 100k car ESX gave him into a police car. Sucks, doesn’t it? As it usually happens, the solution to dealing with troubled young men who own an expensive vehicle and take part in illegal street races, is to send them live with their father who was an alcoholic (but is now ok), ex racer and car mechanic. oh and he lives in a small town in the middle of nowhere. Yes sir! Fight fire with fire!

I told you I had naked pics of your mother! Ha!

So let’s sum up what we have so far: Fast cars, boy who moves in a new place, boy that needs to work out his problems with dad and teacher who tries to keep promising student on the right track. Sounds familiar? Familiar as in at least three movies you’ve watched? Good. Because that’s what it actually is. A nice mixture of scripts and elements, that although each one of them is a cliche, combining it all into one movie gives a somewhat pleasant result. Yeah I know I don’t make much sense, but I am not sure I can describe it any better.

I am motherfucking Sergeant James Doakes, so STFU!

The only thing missing from this movie, is sex. Now, I understand that we’re talking about high school students here and we might be a little touchy about kids’ private parts, but my argument is that should you consider appropriate for teenagers to participate in illegal races, then you should have no problem in showing a tit or two. It’s a movie with fast cars for fuck’s sake! Burnt rubber and hot shorts! There’s a party in a big house, with the parents out of town and adequate amounts of alcohol. Come on! It’s not like I was waiting to see Nicole Badaan naked or something, but I really wouldn’t mind catching a glimpse of Christina Moore‘s body. Just so you know, Christina Moore plays the role of a drama teacher and it’s a damn shame they did not give her a bigger part.

You want to see my tits? Sorry ain't gonna happen...

Remember the teacher I was telling you about? Well, he’s none other than Erik King, the guy who played Sergeant James Doakes on DEXTER. He has also appeared in OZ, which (in case I haven’t mentioned already) is my favorite show and in a lot of other series, so his face should be quite familiar. You might also wanna keep an eye for John Pyper-Ferguson who plays Danny’s dad. He has appeared in a ton of series, from McGUYVER to HIGHLANDER to CAPRICA. Hell, he was even in 21 JUMPSTREET! I would really like to see him staring in another movie.

Yeah, I bet you want to look under my hood...

The only thing I would have preferred differently, apart from the lack of sex that is, was the fact that when we say car races, we actually mean drag racing. You know, a straight line and whoever has more power under their hood wins. Sure, there’s adrenaline all around, sure there’s your pissing contest, but driving in a straight line does not require the same amount of skill as driving in traffic, or in a mountain road. On the positive side, I learned what power shifting means, so I guess  I should not complain much. BORN TO RACE is by no means a masterpiece. But i think you are going to have a nice time watching it.

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Yes.

Favorite scene:

“You only talk about your self and your car”
“What’s wrong with that?”

Cliché:

Right about every cliche in every teen movie you’ve ever watched.

Plot hole:

I bet all high school students in small towns in the middle of nowhere drive expensive heavily modded cars.

Among Dead Men

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Minimum
Vintage: 2010
Country: USA
Director: James Richards
Cast:  Avelino ‘El Rico’ Lescot, Ab Vegvary, Ron Vreeken

I admin I’ve been postponing writhing this for days. I would look at my notes every day, I would look at my screen shots, I would even tell my self that I must get down to doing it, but I just couldn’t. It was a boring movie and although I know I can’t always write about  movies I liked, I confess I preferred playing Guitar Hero than typing this post.

Had I any other alternatives, just so you know, I would definitely ditch this, but when I started writing this blog, I made a promise to myself that I would not watch a movie if I hadn’t first reviewed the last one. Since I don’t want my future self to look back at my present self (who will be my past self by then) and hate me for making promises that did not keep, I will get on with it.

Many movies start with monologues. THE RED CANVAS is an example of that. So, I was sitting there, watching a mountain with tattoos (that would be Avelino ‘El Rico’ Lescot) talk about the fate of the warrior, the glory of the fight and the inevitable hardships a true warrior comes across, I knew I was not going to enjoy this. You see, when you are watching a Chinese kung-fu movie or a fantasy movie, monologues about warriors and their paths are quite ok, but AMONG DEAD MEN was supposed to be an underground fighting movie. The classic recipe for such a film would be something along the lines of “Hero has to fight villain, while tits and random action scenes march on your screen till the big fight comes on”. Defend your honor? Sure! But defend it, don’t talk about it damn it!

Before you watch me kick ass, I will bore you with a monologue that makes no sense.

Bobby Delgado (Mr. Mountain) is a warrior. Sure enough, the money he makes while kicking other people’s asses is fine, but he’s more interested in his own Ascension to Valhalla. Yes, pretty solid plan, except that at one match he gets carried away and kills his opponent and ends up in jail. You would normally expect some prison action here, right? Well, forget it. We are taking the artistic route and choose to depict his imprisonment and thus suffering with symbolic scenes and hazy shots. Then supposedly, we watch his path to redemption for the crime he committed.

See these? Yes? Cool! You don't need glasses then!

 As you can see in the poster above, this movie has received an award for Best Fight Choreography. This could only mean one thing: I have absolutely no idea about fighting! I swear I found all action scenes boring and started missing the days I was 8, watching Hulk Hogan fighting, believing every second of it! Apparently, somebody else disagrees with me.

We even got the ROMEO MUST DIE effect! Are we good or what?

The overall feeling this movie left me, was that they shot random scenes, threw them one after another and made a movie. Ok, I’m being a bit harsh, they are not totally random, but still I felt like there were whole parts missing. More frequently than not, you would have scenes that had nothing to do with each other and you would find your self confused as to what happened in between.

The worst of all? There is only a half sex scene! Not even that is whole. And it could have been an excellent lesbian scene you know…

Cause we got to have at least something that looks like sex....

I expected so much more from this movie… Watch it if you must, just don’t come to me for a refund…

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Nope.

Favorite scene:

The almost lesbian scene.

Cliché:

The training session

Plot hole:

I had trouble grasping the plot, therefore not sure…

The Red Canvas

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Minimum
Vintage: 2010
Country: USA
Director: Kenneth Chamitoff, Adam Boster
Cast: Ernie Reyes Jr., John Savage, George Takei

Now, that’s what I call a catchy title. THE RED CANVAS. Even if you don’t see the poster, you almost by instinct know that we are talking about ring and violence and matches to the death. It even has an artistic tone, doesn’t it. The art of crippling your opponent and painting masterpieces with his blood. Sounds good? Well it is and it’s goodness started right from the opening credits.

To give you an idea, of what I am talking about, in the opening credits, we watch some fight scenes that are artistically edited, so artistically that you can’t even make out who’s fighting who, while music is playing. That gave me a little “WTF?” feeling since I started having doubts about the seriousness of the movie I was about to watch. No offence, I really liked MILLION DOLLAR BABY, but  quality was not what I had in mind at this point. Fortunately, a few seconds later, came a quote that set the theme for the entire movie:

For most men, a decision is only the last thought on their mind when they’re tired of thinking. Enlisting in the army was my first big decision.

That, came from a man that was dragged into the middle of a room, pinned down on the floor and given a very suspicious shot, right in the fucking throat! As it turns out, he is a war prisoner and along with other war prisoners is forced to participate in death matches, pumped with chemicals that transform a man into a killing machine. The mastermind behind this, is none other than a twisted Chinese general who disregards all  laws and ethics and only wants to perfect his chem-cocktail.

I will have you listen to Justin Bieber 24/7. Let's see how tough you are...

Although it would have been great if the rest of the movie took place in war time, it is just a flashback and we are brought to the present, where the man that once fought like an animal to survive has become a prison warden. Many times we have seen a prison warden setting up illegal fighting tournaments, but when I saw this one putting together fights between a convict and a guard, the “WTF?” meter went way up. When I learned that the warden has taken a special interest in the said convict and wanted to train him, in order to sponsor him in a Mixed Martial Arts tournament, run by the sick-o Chinese general, because he wanted revenge, the “WTF?” meter broke. Really. Broke. Have to buy a new one…

See what I'm holding here? This is what I will use to bust your skull...

Johnny Sanchez, played by Ernie Reyes Jr., has behavioral problems. No surprise, he is in jail, right? The story of how he was taken to prison is really unimportant and filled with bad acting, but we get to watch it anyway. I suppose it’s what they call character development. Since Johnny doesn’t have much of a choice, he will be taking part in the tournament, where he will have to face the toughest fighter of them all, the undefeated champion Torch, played by Gray Maynard.

What? Everybody keeps pictures of insects on their walls, don't they?

This fight is going to be tough. So the young warrior has to train, as he is not yet prepared to meet his enemy on the battlefield. His training will be hard and long. You will have to stop thinking about penises and read on! On his side, the  wise old guy. And I mean really really wise. This dude (look at picture number two)  spits words of wisdom like a machine gun! It makes you wonder why instead of a car mechanic he is not a philosophy professor.

I bet you want to see me naked, but guess again...

The only thing this movie lacks, is sex. If you were hoping to watch Fernanda Romero naked, you are out of luck. Well, you are out of luck if you were hoping to watch anybody naked, to be honest. Do not let that discourage you however. Even without the classic sex scenes, or tit scenes we see in other movies of this kind, THE RED CANVAS is still a pretty good choice. I truly enjoyed it and let’s face it: This movie has more WTF than Yahoo Answers. You know you want to watch it!

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Definitely.

Favorite scene:

The old wise dude pats Johnny on the head and says: “I got more hair than you!”

Cliché:

“Respect is earned”.

Plot hole:

During a flashback, we see Johnny remembering some scenes that we wasn’t in.

Lockdown

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Minimum
Vintage: 2000
Country: USA
Director: John Luessenhop
Cast: Richard T. Jones, De’aundre Bonds, Gabriel Casseus

More than a month has passed since my last post and I have to think of a very good excuse for that. Let’s see… I was on vacation. Not good enough… Hmm… I was on vacation in Amsterdam! That’s better.

I had a really good time, not that it would be of any particular interest to you and now I am back, ready to watch more trash movies and write about them for your enjoyment. And to make it up to you, today I have something really special. A prison movie. Prison movies are my favorite and if you’re anything like me (admit it, if you are reading this blog you are much like me), you like them too.

I wanted to watch LOCKDOWN for quite some time now. I put it on a couple of months back, but managed to watch only the first five minutes or so, because something came up and as it usually happens, I forgot about it. During these first minutes though, I was almost certain that I would enjoy this movie. You see, it begins with a quote:

“I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me…
…they only see my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their
imagination — indeed, everything and anything except me.”

This is a quote from THE INVISIBLE MAN, by Ralph Ellison, a book that talks about the hardships African Americans were going through in the early twentieth century. You can read more about the book here (Wikipedia link). There are a lot of different reasons a movie would start with a quote. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the actual movie (despite the hopes of it’s writer), sometimes it’s just pretentious and sometimes it’s spot on. This time (and this will be the only spoiler you get from me), the quote is an essential part of the movie and it is used in a meaningful way. But let’s take things slowly shall we?

Yes sweetie, stay still and the part is yours...

Avery, played by Richard T. Jones, had dreams. He got into college and he would have a bright future as a swimmer. Unfortunately, he seems unfamiliar with the concept of a condom and finds himself with a pregnant girlfriend and no means to support her. But Avery is a good man. So he drops out of college and gets him self a job. His girlfriend, might be as ignorant as Avery when it comes to condoms, but she doesn’t want him to give up his dream. So after they’ve settled down and put things into order, she encourages him to start swimming again. Things are looking really promising for our not-so-young-anymore athlete who wins an apparently important race and is approached by a man scouting for promising young men for colleges. Can you imagine his happiness? His buddies, who were there supporting him too, want to take him out to celebrate his victory. His girlfriend who up to now has been able to keep a short leash on him, makes the mistake of letting him go and the result is, they are arrested for a robbery they did not commit and end up in prison.

Reading manga can lead straight to prison. Fact!

I can see the question marks forming above your heads right now. First of all, the fact that they are innocent is not a spoiler. The reason why they were falsely condemned is pretty easy to guess, so I will not go into details, I will only open a parenthesis and talk to you about the importance of friends. Yes that’s right. Friends are really important. Especially when we are in trouble, friends are those we can count on to get our asses in jail, even if they are only indirectly responsible. Supposedly, you have some “gangsta” friends, that deal dope, have guns and find themselves in trouble more often than not. Let’s also suppose that you want to get back on track, have a quiet life with your girlfriend (who knows your friends too) with a dog and a white fence and all. What do you do? You keep them close, right? But then again, you are stupid enough not to know how to operate a condom, what did you expect? I had higher expectations from his girlfriend though… Such a shame…

What what in the butt!

What is the first thing you do when you go to prison? a) You try to become invisible and lurk in the shadows until you are released. b) You try to figure out the power play and choose a side that will provide you whatever you need to survive. c) You try to figure out the power play and get yourself a lot of lube, so your ass won’t hurt much. Usually, in prison movies option b is really popular, followed by a. There’s also a different approach to option c, which does not involve lube. In LOCKDOWN we got all three of them! In that matter, it kind of reminded me of OZ. The way things are organized within the prison, the sell out guards, the different racial groups that try to take control, the whole atmosphere was OZish and I really liked it!

Condoms. How do they work?

There’s plenty of action to go round in LOCKDOWN. You can’t expect anything like the UNDISPUTED  trilogy, after all this is not a fighting movie, but you will not be let down. The message this movie tries to pass is quite clear, although a bit of a cliche, but it does not get in the way at any point. Sure there are things we’ve seen before, but I enjoyed LOCKDOWN, therefore I can recommend it.

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Definitely.

Favorite scene:

A guy walks to Avery and tells him: “I didn’t know black people could swim!”

Cliché:

The “trouble finds me” line.

Plot hole:

It is more than clear that the investigation of the police has holes. I would like to believe that in the real world they would not have been imprisoned.

Elephant White

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Minimum
Vintage: 2011
Country: USA
Director: Prachya Pinkaew
Cast: Kevin Bacon, Djimon Hounsou, Jirantanin Pitakporntrakul

So today we have another movie that could marginally be considered too good to be here. The stars, Kevin Bacon and Djimon Hounsou, as well as the estimated by IMDB budget of $10.000.000 make a pretty good argument for that,  right? Do not forget how ever, that the main criterion as to whether a movie should or should not be reviewed here is if your girlfriend would want to watch that movie with you*. No matter how much I like Kevin Bacon, I somehow believe that you will be watching this particular movie alone.

We find ourselves in the beautiful city of Bangkok. Having never been there, I will assume it’s beautiful because a girl in a nice voice tells me so in the opening credits. Right after that, we are in a room where a bunch of guys are giving heroine shots to a girl and are preparing another one to be “broken”. In case you thought differently, “broken” refers to multiple rapes, slapping, drugs, till all her resistances are gone. It’s not hard to guess that we have a gang that turns innocent girls into prostitutes.

Dude, I love your hair! It's a blast!

Pretty soon, the bad guys will be blown to bits by Djimon Hounsou, with a bomb he made himself using a condom! Yes, you read right. A condom! Mc Guyver would be so proud! So, what’s going on here? Is this a movie about a hit-man? About a vigilante? We know that Djimon Hounsou was hired by someone whose daughter was kidnapped by the late gang and he sought revenge, but Hounsou is also the executive producer of the movie, so shouldn’t his role be one of the “good guys”? It turns out that he has a strong feeling of protecting the weak, so not only he carried our the job he was paid to do, he agrees to look into the matter further and make all those responsible, pay.

This is your typical Thai club. Tickets to Thailand please!

In order to take it higher though, he will need supplies. That reminds me of an old joke with a British, a German and a Japanese dude that get stranded on an island and decide to send the Japanese to bring supplies, but I guess that’s irrelevant. Hounsou however turns to a British for supplies, a British played by Kevin Bacon. It seems that Jimmy the Brit, as well as Curtie Church (Djimon Hounsou) are old acquaintances, something to do with being undercover and forgotten. Man, you’d think that agencies such as CIA would know more than to forget two of it’s best agents, but then again, things like that happen all the time. So, Jimmy has set up a nice little business renting and selling weapons, while enjoying his life in Bangkok and although he does not want to be associated with Curtie, he decides to help him out.

Listen woman! My beer needs to be cold! Got that?

Enter mystery girl. It is always nice to have a mystery girl in a film. Especially, when they’re young, hot(ish) and they’re ex junkies. See, even if you do not like the movie, at least you have something to keep you busy, and interested as to what’s going to happen next. For this particular mystery girl, the only thing we come to know, is that she was being held along with the other girls, by the same gang Curtie is after, but somehow managed to escape. Curtie thinks he can use her to get info on the gang.

A little something for all the foot fetischists out there.

As expected, things are not that simple, and what initially thought to be a gang, is actually a whole family and those of you who’ve watched Asian movies before, know you don’t easily mess with families. Fortunately for us, Curtie has no intention of backing down and is decided to bring the matter to a solution. A solution that will result in spending many bullets.

Come on dude, cheer up! Look at me, I'm fucking named after smoked pork and I don't give a damn!

I was really enjoying this movie, until it started flirting with the supernatural. Don’t get me wrong, I really like those kind of movies as well. Sometimes though, you want to watch something more down to Earth, something that no matter how crazy it seems, like taking on a whole crime family, it’s still possible, or at least plausible. Thankfully, the supernatural part in ELEPHANT WHITE was only a small portion and had nothing to do with the action scenes, except for a beautiful knife and gun fight, that actually never happened.

I know exactly what you're thinking, pervert!

All in all, it was a very good movie. Apart from all the action, it addresses a very serious problem, that of human trafficking, which in countries like Thailand, is really huge. Children are sold to criminals by their own families and are forced to become prostitutes and in many cases are killed in the process. Yeah, this movie does not offer any solutions, I know, but outlines the problem and hopefully when there’s no more demand, there will be no offer.

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Yeah, I think it’s worth it.

Favorite scene:

When Kevin Bacon tells Djimon Hounsou: “That’s funny. Only you’re never funny.”

Cliché:

When Kevin Bacon gets beat up by Djimon Hounsou and complains about his shirt being torn up.

Plot hole:

At some point Hounsou is shot in the arm, but manages to fight as if he was perfectly fine. Not really a plot hole, but I had to put something in here.

*Ladies, please don’t be offended by the “Girlfriend Principle”. I know that a lot of you enjoy watching movies of this kind, but I am talking about the girlfriends that like to watch romantic comedies and “serious” dramatic movies. Perhaps I will write a piece sometime in the future about this.

Dirty

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Medium
Vintage: 2005
Country: USA
Director: Chris Fisher
Cast: Cuba Gooding Jr., Clifton Collins Jr., Brittany Daniel, Aimee Garcia, Wyclef Jean

I really like the word “dirty”. It brings so much in mind, don’t you agree? From laundry, to porn to cops, to minds. I know that there are two cops on the cover, so “dirty” implies “dirty cops” and I doubt that anyone expects something other than cops that make illegal money or something like that. Surely nobody expects cops that participate in dirty porn, although I am sure I had come across a porn movie with cops at some point. The good thing about porn, is that it is honest, at least in the sense that no matter what the title says, or what you see on the cover, you expect to watch people fucking. There is bad porn, there’s no denying. But come on, you always expect to see people fucking and this is what you get, almost all the time.

On the contrary, when you see two cops on a movie poster, under the title dirty, you surely don’t expect to see a naked guy taking a shower…

Dude, my ass is much more interesting than my tatoo! Lower the camera!

Meet officer Sanchez, or rather meet officer Sanchez’s behind. Officer Sanchez here, apart from taking a shower, is pondering upon the events that can lead an honest hard-working man to corruption and states that little you can do not to become just another one on the take. I can’t overlook the fact that Sanchez is being a bit simplistic here, since he claims that power brings corruption, without taking into account all those who happen to have power and not be corrupted, but I will leave that for later. Sanchez is part of a police division that handles street gangs and gang related crimes.

His Partner Salim Adel, played by none other than Cuba Gooding Jr., seems to be having some anger management issues and during a mission shoots and kills a civilian, almost in cold blood. Of course that does not sit well with Internal Affairs, so an investigation is taking place and Sanchez is troubled as to what he is supposed to testify. Their captain, Keith David (who is the guy that gave his voice to Spawn by the way), is a man with little respect for politics and a true believer of brute force tactics. He assures them that he will not let his men take the fall and the only thing he wants from them is to go out there and “bust some heads”.

I will now demostrate, how the non-use of lubricant can be extremely painful.

Instead of busting some heads though, our two heroes,  decide to go to a bar and meet with a very suspicious looking guy, also a cop, who offers them the moon and the stars and a life carefree. All they had to do, is go to Evidence, check out some drugs and take them to a well known gangster. Simple no? The said gangster, is actually a very pleasant surprise, as he is Wood Harris, whom you remember from the WIRE, where he played Avon Barksdale. Unfortunately, for the two dirty (now) cops there are no surprises, since we all know that shit is about to hit the fan and they will soon find themselves so deep in shit that my multiple use of word “shit” in the same sentence cannot describe.

Look at me man! Wherever I play, I got me bitches! Lots of bitches!

Let’s take a minute now to do some thinking. I want you to imagine that you are a cop, things are a bit harsh, so you are actually thinking to go dirty. Don’t be ashamed, I am sure that most people would have the same dilemma if they were in your place. I also want you to imagine that for some reason, Internal Affairs was on your ass. It doesn’t really matter what you’d done and whether you were guilty or not, just the fact that you were under investigation. Would you for fuck’s sake go and take quite a large amount of drugs from the Evidence? Would you? Seriously? Really? You are the writer of this film and you really want to call it DIRTY? It should be called STUPID. Or DUMB AND DUMBER BECOME COPS.

What do you mean that my nightstick is better than my "nightstick"?

All in all, it was a good idea. Really. It could have been a very good movie, but somewhere along the way some things didn’t work out as intended. The cast for once was very good. I really like both Juniors and I think that under other circumstances they would have done a fantastic job. I would like more action, or maybe a bit of a more complex story, anything not to leave me with the feeling that there was something missing from this film.

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

If you have nothing else to watch, then I guess it’s OK.

Favorite scene:

When a guy from IA talks to Sanchez and tells him: “I know it’s a cliche but have one” and offers him a doughnut.

Cliché:

When Chief Spain says: “There’s a war out there on the streets”

Plot hole:

In the middle of an IA investigation? Seriously?

Shank

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Minimum
Vintage: 2010
Country: UK
Director: Mo Ali
Cast: Kedar Williams-Stirling, Adam Deacon, Ashley Bashy Thomas

I’ve always been somewhat skeptic to scores. Think about it. When I give a movie 5/10 isn’t that totally subjective? If a lot of people give a movie a score, wouldn’t you have a lot of subjective opinions that make an average score? One could argue with that, saying that if you gather a lot of opinions you come really close to what is considered good and what not, but then again, there are countless Justin Bieber fans out there and I still disagree ( see? I put it very politely) with h(is)(er) music (I tried… I really did).

Of course I am talking about IMDb scores and how sometimes I do not agree with them and that in spite the fact that SHANK had an average of 3.6 on IMDB, I watched it, I enjoyed it and here I am to review it. I mean why not? It is British, it is about gangs, it has a pretty good chance of being cool, right? Yeah, it also has a pretty good chance of being really really bad, but hey, what is life worth without risks?

As I was watching the opening credits, I was pretty sure that something was wrong with the IMDB score. They were awesome! Not GAME OF THRONES awesome, but awesome still. Then the movie started and there I was, watching a kid, being chased by someone on a motor cycle. Nothing out of this world so far, right? I am sure that there are a lot of movies out there where someone is being chased by some dude on a motor cycle in the opening scene. But I assure you dear reader, you are not ready for something like this:

Am I bad ass or what? Not even Chuck Norris is as bad ass as me!

Yes, that is correct! There is a flag on the back of the motor cycle! At first I didn’t notice, but something caught my eye and I went back and saw it. I couldn’t get over it, you know? I was thinking “WTF, is this a kid on the bike?” And I was damn right! The guy on the bike, is a kid indeed and is also the leader of a gang consisting of kids (duh) and for some reason, they are thought to be ruthless and unpredictable. The guy being chased, is called Junior and he is also a member of a gang along with his brother and some other dudes. Junior’s gang, unlike any other gang I know, refrains from violence and hustles “munchies”. Pause. Take a look at this:

How dare you take a dump while I show my tits?

Obviously, this scene wants to tell us something (and the guy is really taking a dump, I did not make this one up). We are in London, in the year 2015. Economy has gone downhill, resources are scarce and a very large part of London’s population is forced to live on the streets where survival is not to be taken for granted. The crime rate is higher than Charlie Sheen after having banged a 7 gram rock and as Junior puts it, “If you’re not one of us, you’re a victim”. That brings us to “munchies”. At first I thought that by “munchies” they meant some kind of drug, maybe a pill. I really think “munchies” would be a great name for a pill. But no. By “munchies” they mean food. Plain and simple food. They steal food and sell it to the black market, because food is really hard to get. You can find drugs, you can find booze, you can find sex, but you can’t find food. And guns apparently. Although not stated, I did not notice anyone carrying a gun in the movie, so I guess that guns are out of the equation too.

Oh God I'm so hungry! I don't know whether to eat you or have sex with you!

Junior’s gang  has actually a pretty good reputation. Although some other gangs scorn them, because they do not resort to violence, and I suppose they consider that to be a sign of weakness, they are generally recognized as the best “munchies” providers around. That allows them to collect a pretty good amount of cash, cash they save up, so they will be able to escape to the “Wilds”, whatever the fuck that is. As you probably guessed, something happens, the trip to the “Wilds” is canceled and the little dude has something to do with it, but I will not spoil it for you. Not that the plot is too deep or anything, but I think you are better off watching this without spoilers.

Retro is cool! That 3D will give us at least 3,6 on IMBD man!

There are two things about this movie, I particularly liked:  Direction and soundtrack. I have no idea who Mo Ali is, or what else he’s done (there’s nothing on his IMDB page), or even if he is a guy or not, but let me tell you, he’s done a pretty amazing job. There’s something about the shots in this movie that’s fresh and gives you the impression of a $$ production. Ok, the above image does not exactly prove what I’m saying, as many others, but I do have faith in this guy and I am sure we’ll get to see more of him. The soundtrack on the other hand, is exceptional, consisting mostly of dubstep and drum and bass tunes, perfectly fitting with the general feeling of the movie.

This one has a glove, the other one doesn't. Which one would you like up your ass?

So, if I found this movie that good, what do I have to say about the 3.6 on IMDB? Well, I could say that almost 1.000 people have totally different taste than me, but that would be half the truth wouldn’t it? The other half is, that there are a lot (and I am talking about a lot) aspects of this movie that people would find…not to their tasting. But seriously folks, do not forget where you are. No matter what a thousand people say, we know better, don’t we?

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Of course you should!

Favorite scene:

Check the second screen shot. Epic!

Cliché:

Grim future. Seen plenty of that.

Plot hole:

Gangs have supposedly taken over London, but in one scene, we clearly see people enjoying their coffee in the sun, pretty much uninterested in what’s going on a few blocks down the road.

Edge Of Darkness

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Medium
Vintage: 2010
Country: USA
Director: Martin Campbell
Cast: Mel Gibson, Ray Winstone, Danny Huston

I was having big dreams about my comeback you know… I know I haven’t posted for ages now and I’ve been telling my self all this time that when I finally finish with all my other projects and get down to reviewing, I will find a killer movie to post about. This weekend I had plenty of time and to my shame, I decided to waste it all on drinking. Yes I am horrible I know. So when Sunday evening came, I realized I had not watched anything worth posting and I had two choices: a) post about my previous nights of shame b) watch something and then post about it.

Having made no preparations, the only movie I had available at the time was EDGE OF DARKNESS. I was very hesitant to post about this movie. I mean, it’s co-produced by BBC, right? Why on Earth would it belong to a place like Emerald City? Mel Gibson did not worry me at all, since I believe his time of bad acting has come, but BBC? Having no other alternative though, I decided to watch it and promised myself, that I would stand true to my standards as to what movies make it here.

In the opening scene, we see a river at night and all of a sudden bodies start to come to the surface. It is widely known that on rare occasions dead bodies do not float immediately, but they wait for someone to be watching before they do so. Until then, they stay patiently at the bottom of the river playing cards and telling army stories. Right… Next scene, we see a little girl playing at a beach, while her dad is filming her. Now, I was thinking about something I saw last time I was in Tokyo, but I’ll leave it for some other time. Moving on, enter Mel Gibson! From all this surrealistic escalation, every doubt I might have have had, about whether this movie belongs here or not vanished.

So appart from playing in crappy movies, what are your hobbies?

As expected, the little girl we saw in the beginning of the film, was Mel Gibson’s daughter. As also expected, she is not a little girl any more and after a long time she decides to come home and visit her father. Why did she decide to return, you ask. And why is she constantly throwing up? And bleeding? And why there are two masked men outside their house that shoot the girl dead? Wait what?

Yes, dear reader, Mel Gibson’s daughter is shot dead, right before his eyes, with a shot gun, from a distance and he is not even scratched. Not even Arnie in COMMANDO could not avoid bullets that well. It’s not hard to guess that his only concern now will be to find what happened and who killed his daughter, is it? The writers tried to throw us off by suggesting that it was someone who sought revenge on Mel (who is a police detective in case I forgot to mention), but we know better than that. Too many coincidences…

I've played in so many movies and I am sure you can't remember one...

As it turn out, his daughter was co-operating with a group of activists to uncover the secret of a nasty corporation. Of course, any corporation with a little self respect would rather resort to extreme measures in order to protect it self, but as it usually happens, a man with nothing to lose (sic) will stand in their way.

You want to talk about problems? How 'bout being burned to a crisp? Huh?

A nice surprise in the move (probably the only one) is seeing Dennis O’Hare. At first I did not recognize him, since he had no half-crazed Greek at the end of his cock, but when he opened his mouth, there he was. TRUE BLOOD‘s King in all his glory ladies and gentlemen! With the exception of O’Hare, little else is interesting in this movie and this, coming from a former fan of Mel, says quite much.

If I were to describe this movie in one word, that would be “predictable”. Even the little twist they kept for the end, you know it’s coming. Nothing you haven’t seen someplace else. I understand that some people want to warn other people about how ruthless the Corporations can become and that someone must stand up to them and everything, but I can’t imagine that there was no other way, a little bit more inventive to say that. What bothered me most, even more than the repetition, is that for some reason I’ve not come to understand yet, everybody was talking in a low meaningful voice. I was thinking “Wow, BATMAN created a fad here…”.

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Only if you are a dedicated Mel Gibson fan.

Favorite scene:

Where he talks to a hitman and the following dialogue occurs:
-Public drinking is illegal in Massachusetts.
-Everything is illegal in Massachusetts.

Cliché:

“I have nothing to lose and I don’t give a fuck”

Plot hole:

While the corporation can hire assassins to take care of  the girl, they decide to poison her with radiation AND THEN hire the assassins.

Faster

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Minimum
Vintage: 2010
Country: USA
Director: George Tillman Jr.
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Billy Bob Thornton, Maggie Grace

Dear readers. You probably noticed that I’ve been MIA for a while. This is not because I’ve stopped watching movies, or I don’t feel like writing. It’s because I have little to no free time. I am part of a team that hosts an annual comics convention here in Greece. You can find more info here and hopefully you will forgive me. To express my gratitude for your patience, I have an awesome movie for you today. And by awesome I mean absolutely fantastic brilliant!

I have to admit that until I watched THE OTHER GUYS, I never really had much appreciation for Dwayne Johnson. Not that I don’t like him or anything but  I really hated the SCORPION KING, the MUMMY and it’s sequel. I was really expecting FASTER to be just another Emcity quality movie, but seriously, although your girlfriend will probably not want to watch it, you will love it.

The beginning of the film had me confused thus my expectations were a bit low at first. We watch Dwayne being released from jail and as soon as he’s out the door, he starts running. Running! At that point I wanted to shout at the screen (kinda like the Cereal Guy): “What’s the point? The movie’s supposed to be called FASTER not Stupidest!” Then we watch him arrive at a junk yard, finding a car, a folder with some kind of instructions within the car and then shoots of to kill a random dude in a company. Just how bad ass is that guy huh? I am not going to spoil the fun, but since in every other review I found on the net (and I imagine at the back of the DVD as well) it is mentioned, I will tell you that the dude was not random. Dwayne is on a manhunt to get revenge and he’s not willing to let anyone get in his way.

FASTER is packed with cars and guns action. I have watched a lot of car flicks, FAST AND FURIOUS included, but here I watched one of the best car chases ever recorded on film. Scratch that. Two of the best car chases ever recorded on film. If we were to rate the gun action alone, you all have watched better movies, but if you put that together with the cars and punches stuff you get a killer combo.

One of the things I missed at first, but caught it when I went back to watch the credits, is that Clint Mansel is the composer of the movie’s score. No, not a typo. Clint Mansel. Need I say more? Didn’t think so. The OST is definitely on my shopping list!

Another fun fact you might be interested in, is that Dwayne is being chased by a hit-man (played by Oliver-Jackson Cohen) who has a shrink and uses a Getac! For those of you that managed to stop laughing about the shrink thing, and are wondering what a Getac is, we are talking about fully rugged military grade laptops with amazing features. I know that marketers will love me, for providing advertisement without any benefits whatsoever, but seriously, I want one!

I will talk to the ladies for a while, please excuse me gentlemen. I am fairly sure that the name Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje rings no bells. Trust me on this one and check him out [wink wink]. The fact that he begun his career as a model should tell you something… Oh, and make sure you watch OZ. All 6 seasons of it.

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

Hell yes!!
Favorite scene:

Each and every one of them!

Cliché:

You have your usual loser cop. But really, you can’t call that a cliche any more…

Plot hole:

None worth mentioning.

PS: I generally do not like not posting my own screen caps, but time did not allow me to do it this time. I must apologize to you all.

Deadland

**If you haven’t read it already, I advise you to read the disclaimer**

Spoiler Level: Medium
Vintage: 2009
Country: USA
Director: Damon O’Steen
Cast: Gary Weeks, Brian Tee, William Katt

I usually enjoy watching post apocalyptic themed movies. Series too. I am not ashamed to confess that I enjoyed watching JEREMIAH, despite the fact that Luke Perry was starring. I guess it has something to do with how MAD MAX fucked me up when I watched it as a little kid. So when DEADLAND came up, I just had to watch it. Fortunately for me, this time, I had help from a very sick friend and by that I mean literally sick. He was with high fever and as we all know, there’s nothing better to bring down the fever than a good movie. The key word here is good. I am really sorry man…

So, you probably guessed that DEADLAND is a post apocalyptic movie and that I did not like it very much. I would normally have hated myself for wasting 107 minutes to watch it, because, you see, to me it’s not trashy enough to be here and it’s certainly not good enough to be here. There might be some of you out there though who will find it interesting, so here it is.

Dude! There are nekkid chicks over there!

Do you know anyone who loves conspiracy theories? If you do, I advise you to listen to what they have to say because sometimes some of the things they obsess about do have a fragment of truth. In our case, Sean Kalos, did not listen to his co-worker who was trying to warn him about World War III, so when the bombs fell, he was caught with his pants down. To be precise, he was caught in the middle of nowhere in a gas station and could marvel the fireworks in all their glory.

Five years later, we meet again with Mr. Kalos, only this time he’s not the miserable excuse of an office worker but a very skilled survivor searching for his lost wife. A little note here: Having a hero searching for his wife, fiance, lover etc is a common theme on many movies. Most of the times, the couple is separated when disaster strikes, usually in a most dramatic way. This time things are a little different, as she kicked him out of the house way before the sky turned red. Oh, and in case you already started making assumptions, we are not talking about a nuclear holocaust. No. The writer (who is also the star of the film – Gary Weeks) probably thought (and he was correct) that there’s no way the radiation would have cleared in just five years. That would definitely require a much more planned plot, now wouldn’t it? How about chemical warfare? This is marginally scarier than nuclear and we can “toy” with it in ways a nuclear bomb do not allow us.

-What's the matter soldier? -I miss my mommie sir!

To cut it short, all of USA’s population (we have no idea what goes on in the rest of the world) is infected with a virus, poetically called “The Plague” and only a few have access to a wonder-pill that delays the effects of the virus.  The states, are divided into counties, run by the military, while there are vast deserted areas, called deadland (thus the title).

The one thing I found extremely annoying and frankly I cannot overlook, is that Weeks wanted to create a world somewhat “Mad Max-ish” but closer to ours. I find it extremely funny that just five years after the war ended, there are people that talk about “The Before” and about legends and things that you would expect to hear a couple of hundred years later. And really, this usually happens when the civilization as we know it comes to an end. In DEADLAND, there’s electricity, water supply, medicine, everything you would expect, sans internet, just in fewer dosages. The one thing a man can find plenty in this new world is pussy. No kidding, there are prostitution camps, where they have women kept prisoners, whose role is to “entertain” the soldiers. Nice touch. Another thing that is obvious, is that Gary has little or no relation to technology, but unless you are in the field, you probably do not care that much.

-Should I watch this movie yes or no?

I prefer something else, but yeah, give it a shot. Just don’t blame me.
Favorite scene:

None really.

Cliché:

All the codes are in the Bible…
Plot hole:

Read my last paragraph.